Biological Father vs. Adoptive Father

My parents divorced when I was six years old. My father cheated on my mother so she left him. Two years later she remarried and her husband adopted my brother and I. He has been a good father to us, and we have always considered him to be our dad.  I have not seen my biological father (“real dad”) since the day he left. For many years he did not keep in touch with anyone. He never helped my mom in any way once he left. Men cannot get away with that as easily in today’s world, but apparently he left the state and that was that.

When I was 18 my mother asked me what I would do if my “real dad” came in town and wanted to see me. I told her that I had no desire to see him. He didn’t want me when I was young and now he is a complete stranger. What I didn’t know at the time is that he really was in town then and he wanted her to ask me that question hypothetically. She didn’t tell me this until years later. So he left and didn’t bother us.

Life went on. I got married, had children and moved to Texas. My “real dad” wrote a six page letter to me and sent it to my mom and asked her to send it to me. Basically this letter was a confession of many things he has done wrong in his life and an apology for not being the father he should have been. He included his phone number and email address with hopes that we could stay in touch.

I no longer held a grudge against him. I let go of that years before. His letter seemed sincere and I planned on staying in touch with him, beginning with email. I shared the letter with my husband who didn’t like it and didn’t trust him, especially after reading the kind of life he had led. My husband took it upon himself to email him back and put an end to the communication between us, without my consent or permission. I was pretty upset by his actions because it was not his place.

Apparently my adopted father doesn’t like any of it either. He seems bothered by the fact that I would even consider talking to my biological father. On one hand I can understand his feelings because he has always been there for me and has been a good father for over 40 years. But on the other hand he should know that he cannot be replaced.

My biological father gave up his right to be my dad. He walked away and let someone else take his place and didn’t bother to come around for 12 years. He has regrets and just wants a chance to get to know his children he walked away from. As a Christian I feel I need to forgive him and move forward. He is a complete stranger to me. If he were to die I would kick myself for not reaching out to him.

He has retired now and moved back to the state where we used to live. Most of my family lives there. I visit once every year and plan to see him on my next trip. My mother feels that we should keep it from my dad because it will bother him. I guess that is best but I don’t like being sneaky and lying.

My brother does not know that he has retired and moved back. I’m really hoping to talk my brother in to going to see him with me. He is still holding a grudge against him for leaving. My mom is afraid if I tell my brother about it that he will tell our dad. This all seems ridiculous to me. We are all adults here. I wish we could all act like it.

forgive others

 

Author: livinandlearninweb

I am a homeschool mom of two who is nearing the end of this stage of life and ready to see what is next for me. I enjoy writing and have a desire to do more of it.

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